If you, like myself have spent the last decade in a bubble, do yourself a huge favor and watch it - the entire show is even uploaded to Youtube, so there you go - watch it, love it and then watch it again. I have never been so proud to be queer in all my life. This show is fan-fucking-tastic and that is putting it mildly.
I really can't get enough of it. I'm just sad I missed out on what was probably a kick ass fandom. *sigh*
Damn. I woke up in such a good mood today, which of late has been so rare for me...
Lori and I had plans to go see The Avengers today so I got up super early despite like two hours of sleep, went and got a HUGE iced coffee and came home, like practically bouncing around my apartment then Lori sent me a text that she couldn't make it. I guess she woke up with her back on the fritz which I knew had been giving her trouble. The girl works as a head chef and has been doing 15 hour days for the last week, I figured she'd crash and burn at some point -
I'm not mad at her, of course. The girl needs to take care of herself more and her health means more to me than a movie but man, oh man; I'm so disappointed right now.
I guess I'll just spend the day cleaning my apartment and working on fics and playing on The Avengers party posts. We'll see each other on Sunday so it'll be fine; I told her I can wait a week for her to see me act like a 13 yr old girl.
Which yet again can I just mention how awesome Lori is - not only does she accept my fan girl ways, she supports them and has even had me read her some of my old Mylar porn fics (which she found crazy hot.) Now my wife and partner of 11 years NEVER once asked to read my fics and always in a roundabout way picked on me for being such a 'nerd' as she called it.
And why am I mourning the loss of that relationship again? Seriously, I wish so badly that I could just learn to trust people again and let myself fall in love with Lori and live happily ever after. No, instead I have her and our strange 'relationship/friendship' and Nick who is really just someone who I have the hots for and enjoy having sexy times with -
I guess right now. That's a pretty okay deal. I have Lori and her love and her actual acceptance of me as a person and a woman and Nick who validates me on a superficial level and makes me feel like I'm sexy and desirable and who for some reason I'm crazy attracted to -
So yeah, Rhonda who? Joni can have her. I'm pretty sure I'll always love her but I've come to realize that I really don't like her very much either.
It's 7:30 in the morning and I haven't been to bed yet. This insomnia is going to make me batshit. That is if I'm not batshit already, which is kind of debatable at the moment.
I did a REALLY fucking stupid thing last night and decided to call Rhonda. It's going to be the one year anniversary since our divorce on the 19th and after several months of not speaking, I just wanted to see how she was, hear her voice etc.
( I don't know why I do this to myself...Collapse )
( thoughts and stuff hereCollapse )
So I'm now unemployed - woo hoo! <3 Anyway, sarcasm aside I have been doing all the normal things people do when unemployed - working on my resume, networking and of course, finding a new show to obess over - which is Burn Notice. This show is wonderful - it does camp, drama, action and romance perfectly, with an awesome cast that I have fallen head over heels for - hot spys with shades and guns, yes please. It reminds me of my love for the original La Femme Nikita, you know without the angst fest every five seconds but yeah, so in love - I have watched nearly three seasons in as many days and I just can't stop watching.
This show makes me laugh out loud and want to go out and kick someone's ass all at the same time. It also turns out my sort of girlfriend, Lori is also a fan so we have been exchanging silly text messages anytime I get especially giddy over a bad ass fight scene or squee worthy Michael/Fiona moment, which such a hot ship - I have an unhealthy love for couples that have UST by the ton and who are both sexy as hell and use fist fighting and near-death experiences as foreplay.
Glorious - oh and this song from the S2 finale owns my life right now. I can't stop listening to it. It's amazing. The whole show is amazing. Of course, I need a new fandom like I need a lobotomy but who gives a fuck? I'm having way too much fun to care.
I had a really great time last night. I really need more of those in my life considering that my life feels way too out of control most days.
I found out on Friday that I will be laid off as of 3/30. That has thrown me into a bit of a tailspin - add that to Rhonda coming back for a few months on and off between December and February and screwing with my head and heart some more etc, and having had a few nights of letting my drinking and pill taking get out of control and I have been feeling generally out of sorts and just... trying to deal.
There is this girl, Lori that I have been seeing on and off for some time now. We first starting talking back in June right after my divorce but I was in the midst of my one month rebound fling (ugh) and wasn't that much interested at the time - flash forward to October and we had been talking pretty much every day and when we finally met, we clicked. I wouldn't say that it was a head over heels thing but I enjoyed her company a lot. We had two overnight dates (she lives at least an hour away) and she agreed to take things slow.
Then of course Rhonda decided to come back into the picture and Lori and I kind put the brake on things. All told, this girl has been amazing about everything - she's supportive and caring and wonderful and just all-around fantastic and I care for her quite a bit. The thing is that she cares a lot more than I do. Rhonda has driven me bat shit over the last year or so - but I still love her. I love her more than anything in this world and I would give anything for us to be together again. But anyway, it just can't happen - it’s just continuous head games with her and my heart and my mental health can't take anymore.
And then there is Lori - anyway, Lori came down to see me last night and we went out to dinner with my sister and her boyfriend. We all ate ungodly amounts at our favorite Japanese restaurant. I had an avocado salad, one Philadelphia roll, miso soup and beef pad tai plus two coconut rum drinks. It was fantastic!
Then we went back to my sister's house and had more drinks and spent the night youtubing our favorite music videos 'November Rain', 'Smooth Criminal' etc - it was a great time and throughout the night, I just felt very comfortable with Lori, cuddling and kissing a bit and just being very affectionate and cuddly with each other. It felt like we were a couple and I liked that feeling.
I was sad to see her go at midnight since she had to work in the morning but at the same time I was a bit relieved. It's like I want to care about her, the way she cares about me - because she's awesome and she proved last night that blends in perfectly with my family and friends but my heart just won't let me. I still think about Rhonda all the time. I don't know how to get over it and it's driving me insane.
Maybe I should just give myself a break - after all, it was an eleven year relationship. I can't be expected to just get over it just like that especially when Rhonda keeps popping in and out of my life and reminding me that she's still around.
I don't know. I feel like I'm going to be forever alone because I'll never be able to fully give myself to someone ever again even if that person is wonderful and perfect for me in every way.
Relationships, ugh, they can blow me.