It's 7:30 in the morning and I haven't been to bed yet. This insomnia is going to make me batshit. That is if I'm not batshit already, which is kind of debatable at the moment.
I did a REALLY fucking stupid thing last night and decided to call Rhonda. It's going to be the one year anniversary since our divorce on the 19th and after several months of not speaking, I just wanted to see how she was, hear her voice etc.
First off, she gets on the phone and is immediately combative and cold towards me. I tried to just say that I wanted to see how she was and she just kept answered yes or no to my questions until I was ready to scream. Then I started to get an inkling of what was going on because the last time she was so cold to me - well, it was because a certain someone was in her life.
So I asked her if she was dating and she got really angry and told me it was none of my business. I guess fair enough but I knew that something was up so I asked point blank if she was seeing Joni again and there was dead silence on the phone. So yes, come to find out my ex-wife has gone back to the woman she cheated on me with (the same one she said she'd never forgive for coming between our marriage, who was a user and an awful person and that she hated etc etc) now they have been together the last two months and they are oh' so happy and in love.
I started to lose it then - trying really hard to keep the hysterics within because I could feel them building. I was shaking, like so badly my teeth were chattering and I just had this whirlwind of anger and jealousy and hurt just racing through me - then though as she's telling me this I get a call on another line and it's Nick, the guy I'm kind of seeing - HE COULD NOT HAVE CALLED ME AT A BETTER TIME.
It stopped me from losing control completely and she somehow could hear the clicks that my phone makes when I'm getting another call and she asked me what it was and I was like, oh Nick's calling me, which she then wanted to know who Nick was - so okay, maybe, I was being a bit spiteful at this point because I'm not in love with anyone right now or as o'so happy as she claims to be but I told her that he was this guy I was seeing and I had plans to spend the night at his place.
She got really quiet and was like, oh so now you're seeing guys now? I was like yeah, women are too fucking much for me at the moment and he's fun and we have fun together. Then I told her I was glad she was happy and that maybe everything worked out like it was suppose to because she was now with the girl she loved enough to divorce me for and you know what - as much as that statement hurt to say, I meant it.
A very selfish part of me wants her to be alone and miserable for the rest of her life but on the other hand, despite everything she put me through I still love her and always will so I wished her the best and told her that I would always have love for her.
I got off the phone and that was when I lost it - just broke down and cried my eyes out for a good few minutes and then I said to myself, fuck it, why should I stay home tonight and feel sorry for myself and let her make me feel undesirable and unwanted.
So I called Nick back and he could tell I had been crying and I gave him the roundabout of what happened - so he was like, come over and spend the night with me so I did and he really is an awesome person and I do like him quite a bit - we fooled around some and then just went to bed, cuddling and kissing -
I couldn't sleep though - so much in my head. I spent the night tossing and turning until he woke up at 5:30 for work and asked me how I slept, I told him that I didn't and he felt terrible. I was like it's fine, I'd rather spend the time awake next to someone who'll hold me then alone and it's true.
I don't know what I might of done or how I might have hurt myself if left to my own devices. He was a welcomed distraction, so he walked me to my car and kissed me goodbye and told that he'll call me.
I drove home and I could feel the panic attack setting in so I pulled into a McDonald's parking lot and called Lori since I know she's up super early for her job - she talked me down for a good 45 mins and I know that I am blessed to have her in my life. She's probably the best friend I have ever had and she's always, always there for me.
The fact that I can't give this girl the relationship that she deserves kills me. I truly does because she deserves so much more than just bits and pieces of me - I want to be able to love her the way that she loves me and it sucks. When I fall in love, I fall hard and as it would seem I fall for life - I love Rhonda - she's a mean, horrible, rotten person but I love her and I hate myself for it.
So I got off the phone with Lori after making plans to hang out Monday and go see The Avengers which will be awesome because all I have right now is a shit bootleg copy and it's not the same - and fandom at the moment seems to be the only thing I have right now that is even remotely healthy in terms of coping. If I have to use escapism to stop myself on dwelling on Rhonda and that wretched whore she decided to fall in love with then so be it -
I just wish I could sleep but every time I close my eyes I see nothing but Rhonda and Joni and it's just too much. I hate my brain sometimes - I hate these awful racing thoughts.
I'm trying so hard to just live one day to the next and it's so hard sometimes not to just give up. I'm 31 years old and I'm divorced and alone and have only a small apartment and a shitty car to show for my life. I just want good things to happen for me. I don't need amazing. I don't need miracles. I just want to wake up each morning after eight hours of blissful sleep and just feel good about who I am and what I contribute to the world ...
and I wish somewhere along the way I can allow myself to fall in love again and trust someone enough with my heart because I want that, I want a life with someone and I want to look at them and know that they were the one I was suppose to be with along and that Rhonda leaving me happened for a reason.
It's been a year and half since she left and I'm no closer. Though I swear I'm going to stay hopeful even if it kills me...