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11 March 2012 @ 01:21 pm
still breathing  

I had a really great time last night. I really need more of those in my life considering that my life feels way too out of control most days.

I found out on Friday that I will be laid off as of 3/30. That has thrown me into a bit of a tailspin - add that to Rhonda coming back for a few months on and off between December and February and screwing with my head and heart some more etc, and having had a few nights of letting my drinking and pill taking get out of control and I have been feeling generally out of sorts and just... trying to deal.

There is this girl, Lori that I have been seeing on and off for some time now. We first starting talking back in June right after my divorce but I was in the midst of my one month rebound fling (ugh) and wasn't that much interested at the time - flash forward to October and we had been talking pretty much every day and when we finally met, we clicked. I wouldn't say that it was a head over heels thing but I enjoyed her company a lot. We had two overnight dates (she lives at least an hour away) and she agreed to take things slow.

Then of course Rhonda decided to come back into the picture and Lori and I kind put the brake on things. All told, this girl has been amazing about everything - she's supportive and caring and wonderful and just all-around fantastic and I care for her quite a bit. The thing is that she cares a lot more than I do. Rhonda has driven me bat shit over the last year or so - but I still love her. I love her more than anything in this world and I would give anything for us to be together again. But anyway, it just can't happen - it’s just continuous head games with her and my heart and my mental health can't take anymore.

And then there is Lori - anyway, Lori came down to see me last night and we went out to dinner with my sister and her boyfriend. We all ate ungodly amounts at our favorite Japanese restaurant. I had an avocado salad, one Philadelphia roll, miso soup and beef pad tai plus two coconut rum drinks. It was fantastic!

Then we went back to my sister's house and had more drinks and spent the night youtubing our favorite music videos 'November Rain', 'Smooth Criminal' etc - it was a great time and throughout the night, I just felt very comfortable with Lori, cuddling and kissing a bit and just being very affectionate and cuddly with each other. It felt like we were a couple and I liked that feeling.

I was sad to see her go at midnight since she had to work in the morning but at the same time I was a bit relieved. It's like I want to care about her, the way she cares about me - because she's awesome and she proved last night that blends in perfectly with my family and friends but my heart just won't let me. I still think about Rhonda all the time. I don't know how to get over it and it's driving me insane.

Maybe I should just give myself a break - after all, it was an eleven year relationship. I can't be expected to just get over it just like that especially when Rhonda keeps popping in and out of my life and reminding me that she's still around.

I don't know. I feel like I'm going to be forever alone because I'll never be able to fully give myself to someone ever again even if that person is wonderful and perfect for me in every way.

Relationships, ugh, they can blow me.

Current Mood: confused
Current Music: 100 Ways - Porno for Pyros
Forsquilis: Misc - paper butterfliesforsquilis on March 14th, 2012 10:55 pm (UTC)
You will not be alone forever.

Look, I had a relationship that lasted 4 years, with someone I'd known for 6 years before we started dating. He cheated on me, left me for her, and then tried to weasel his way back into my life. After 4 months I finally told him that his next contact would result in me calling the police. That threat got me the break from him that I needed, and when he did finally contact me again a year later, I realized that my only feelings towards him were pity and amusement.

I spent 7 years alone after that. But after I got over the initial "I feel helpless and lost and over", I realized just how much emotional fuckery had been going on, through the whole relationship. The stuff you said about your relationship with Rhonda sounds exactly like what I said about mine. And once I'd had time to breathe and relax and stop crying...it actually felt good to be alone, with no one messing with my head. And I finally met the man I'm now married to, who is infinitely better in every way than the relationship that I'd once thought was wonderful. To co-opt Dan Savage's phrase, "It Gets Better". You may hurt so badly that you think you're going to die from the pain, but it gets better, and one day, you will suddenly realize you're happy again. You may not feel comfortable threatening to file a restraining order against her, but if that's what it takes to get her to not call you, you may want to consider it, to give yourself breathing room.

I really hope you find another job soon, too. Hiring has been picking up around here, so hopefully it is in your neck of the woods, too.