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19 April 2012 @ 12:32 pm
i'm going find a way to make it...  
So my ex-wife just called my mother at work. Lovely. It seems that she is about to make the last payment on my car and wants to plan a time so we can meet and do the whole transfer of title / bill of sale thing. Great, the last thing I want right now is to see her because just hearing from her, even in a roundabout way has me in tears.

To make matters worse, I guess she started crying to my mother on the phone about how sorry she is that she hurt me and that she is just so lost and confused and that she had to delete my number from her phone because she's been too tempted to call me - that and she can't be around me because when she is, I still feel like her wife to her and she doesn't know how to treat me like anything but...

My mother said she got the impression that she misses me and that she knows that she fucked up - which she did. She fucked up over and over and over again and nearly drove me into a pysch ward in the process.

The fucked up thing is that I miss her, too. I miss her every second of every hour and every hour of every fucking day and while it should be getting easier, it doesn't - I love her. I always will and I know that she'll always love me, too.

So, like I said previously I have been seeing someone and I even spent a lovely couple of days with my new (kinda) girlfriend last weekend but it's just not there for me  - I like her, I respect her, I have fun with her but I don't love her and yet, she's in love with me. It makes me feel horrible that I can't return those feelings - I know I'm not emotionally there for her like she needs me to be but I still haven't gotten over my ex.

The new gf texted me earlier and said I seemed off so I told her about Rhonda calling my mother and how she asked her if I was happy. So, Lori asked if I was indeed happy and I answered her as honestly as I could, that, yes, for the most part I am but it's still a wip - 11 years and a marriage and home with someone is a lot to get over - I don't think Lori understands fully how close Rhonda and I were - best friends, lovers, family. We were each other's everything and even though she broke my heart and lied and cheated on me, if she needed me I would drop everything and anything to be there for her.

Rhonda is my soul mate - I know, corny and trite but it's true - she's my other half and I know she feels just as empty as I do. I know it because even now I can still feel when she's upset and hurting - this morning I woke up sad and anxious for no reason and I know now it was her emotions I was feeling.

I just wish that none of this had ever happened and that we were still together and happy and in love - I know it can't be but it doesn't stop me from wanting that or needing it or bawling my eyes out because it can't be. I just miss her so much.

ETA: so I just called her at her parent's house and got her stepfather on the phone, she was out. WTF - why did I do that? I was hoping I could play it cool and just set up a time for the whole car thing but I just wanted to hear her voice. I'm so sad - just one stupid conversation with my mother and it all comes rushing back and I feel like I'm never going to get rid of the pain that I feel or how lost and empty I am or how much I still need her after everything.

Current Mood: melancholy
Current Music: try sleeping with a broken heart - alicia keys
levitatethis on April 19th, 2012 06:31 pm (UTC)

I'm really sorry to hear all this emotional weight piling on you. I can only imagine what it's like to love someone/still be connected to someone who hurt you so bad yet you're still very much intertwined with and then, on top of it, having someone new in your life where the extent of the feelings aren't mutual.

etoile du nord: Seasonal: Summeretoiledunord on April 19th, 2012 08:50 pm (UTC)
*big hugs*

I'm sorry to hear you're having a bad time of things. Dealing with the breakup of a marriage is not easy, and it's totally understandable that you've still got all kinds of messy feelings. I think you're on the right track, though, especially considering what you said to Lori--it is indeed a WIP, but the fact that you recognize that, and that you can see that you're doing pretty well when you're not reminded of Rhonda, are both good signs. Hang in there, sweetie. <3